I’ve been fighting to lead a quiet life, mind my business, and work with my own hands. So why am I so miserable?
The bible tells us to “aspire to lead a quiet life, mind your own business, and to work with your own hands,” and that’s what I’ve been doing. I moved to a new town, I stay at home with my kids, I keep to myself, I cook and clean, I bake — but I am not happy. I’m not at peace like I thought I would be. And it took a lot to get me to where I’m at even now. I know I don’t do everything perfectly at home, and I’m still overcoming obstacles that being a SAHM presents, but I truly thought I’d be more at peace after getting my life in line.
But I think I’ve lost myself along the way. Somewhere in the mix of diaper changes, kissed booboos, washing dish after dish, cooking meal after meal, and keeping to myself — I lost something.
People always say being a SAHM is the hardest job, and to be honest, I’m conflicted on that. There aren’t sales numbers I need to make. There’s no manager breathing down my neck. I don’t have to get dressed up. I don’t have to deal with shitty customers. But I also never get to leave work. And, as my therapist puts it, when I do leave, I have to take my coworkers with me.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my coworkers. They really put the “family” in “coworkers.” I don’t love managing them though. I want to let them run wild and free and just do whatever the heck it is that makes them happy as long as they stay out of my hair — but I can’t do that. That’s just not what I don’t get paid to do.
I think the hardest part of being a SAHM is having the time to deal with your demons. The general public does not have this kind of time on their hands. Maybe that’s a blessing in disguise? Maybe that’ll make me stronger in the end?
One of the things I’ve struggled with the most in this position is my Bipolar 2 diagnosis. While I have a really great mix of meds and an amazing medical team behind me, my meds are being adjusted monthly, we’re still fine tuning things, therapy is challenging (at times just to complete with two kids needing my attention). Being Bipolar 2 has me depressed more than it has my hypomanic. That depression comes with a lot of worthlessness and leaves ending things just genuinely making sense. I know these aren’t things that are true. I know this. But unlucky for me, I also have an OCD diagnosis that makes it sometimes impossible to control the intrusive thoughts that make these things challenging.
But I have two kiddos and a loving and understanding husband who give me a reason to stick around — even when all of the evidence suggests otherwise.
One of my biggest triggers is messes — so I’m sure you can see how being a SAHM to a 2 year old and a 4 month old can present some obstacles for me.
I have a really hard time finishing projects I set out to do. I progressively overcomplicate things as I work on a project so that it can be as detailed as possible so I don’t have to do it again. And I don’t. I drop the project when I can see the finish line and never look back — 94% is close enough, right?
I also struggle to pick up quickly because I become too detailed — like this afternoon I was putting the dishes away and I ended up reorganizing the whole kitchen. So the kitchen looks bomb right now, but the rest of the house looks like the aftermath of a bomb.
All of these things make it really hard for me to be a stay-at-home mom. But I’m fighting and I’m pushing everyday to try and live this quiet life, mind my own business, and do enough work to be proud of by the time my husband comes home at the end of the day.
But at the same time, I don’t know if I’ll ever find that peace that I’m looking for.
I have a simple life.
I have the life I aspired to.
I’m a mom to two sweet boys with an amazing husband and a beautiful home and a dog,
and I get to stay home and cook homemade meals and have snow days with my kids
and end the day with a mug of hot cocoa with the kids or a glass of wine with my husband
or both!
It’s not for lack of blessings. And it’s not for lack of appreciation. I think it’s for lack of something in my brain. I ran out of happy juice. I ran out of happy…ness.
I’ll keep aspiring like the Bible tells me to. I’ll keep a quiet life. I’ll mind my business. I’ll work with my hands. I’ll even get up before the sun some days and stay up well after it’s down on others. Hopefully someday in there I’ll find some peace.
Originally published at http://rosemarymintlove.wordpress.com on December 14, 2021.
